Upon first look, you think, "So, it's an ugly Metallica shirt." Upon second look, you think, "Did Metallica buy the Cincinatti Bengals?" Upon third look, you may realize it's a METALLICA CYCLING JERSEY. Out of all the things that exist in this world, including Snuggies. electric scissors and newspapers, I can't think of one reason why this particular item was ever manufactured. Are there really a lot of metalhead cycling enthusiasts out there? Has James Hetfield traded cans of Coors Light for miles logged on a ten speed? If you did happen to enjoy Metallica and biking, wouldn't you go for the Ride The Lightning or And Justice For All jerseys (yes, they do exist) over the St. Anger one? Maybe the world's crappiest sport and crappiest Metallica album were destined to come together in a perfect storm of spandex.
For one reason or another, there are a lot of so-called cyclists riding around in the town where I work. Maybe it's the hills that attract them, maybe it's the lack of people likely to beat them silly. Either way, I've never seen any with the party end of a mullet flapping in the breeze beneath those stylish helmets. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever even seen one wearing headphones. Could be for safety, could be that the pure joy of having a multitude of gears to choose from and two handlebar holding options keeps them happy as little girls, which is often apparent when they wear these types of shirts. And why would one wear a cycling jersey when not in some kind of competition situation? Do you really need to shave a millisecond off the time you leave your lonely, empty house to the time you return? Wouldn't wearing baggy and loose fitting clothing increase wind resistance, thus giving you a better workout and making you a better bike rider? It would at least make less people nauseous at the sight of your finely outlined package and slightly diminished love handles.
To make this simple, cycling is not metal. St. Anger is not a good album. Even Metallica know this, as they didn't even play one song off it at their last show I went to. The exact number of people who like both cycling and Metallica's St. Anger album is negative infinity. The fact that this item is Sold Out on Amazon will keep me awake at night. Unless they only made one. In which case, I send this message to the buyer, "Nobody believes you like Metallica, Lance Armstrong." Welcome to the velodrome.
UPDATE: This just in, now on sale at Amazon- Winger Curling Brooms, Slayer croquet mallets and Guns n Roses polo horses (with Slash tophats). Limited quantities remain. (1 each)
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