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Dirty Secrets: Why Radio is Dying a Slow and Painful Death Edition

Dirty Secrets: Why Radio is Dying a Slow and Painful Death Edition
06/13/2010

Editor's Note - This article can be viewed also at TheBachelorGuy.com

To listen to their latest rant: Stream & Download Part 3 of a series, featuring Chris Hardwick of Nerdist.com and Jennifer Love Hewitt


Ahhh Radio. It’s theater of the mind, as they say. Radio has had a long and illustrious career. It has entertained our troops overseas. It has relayed important information in seconds rather than days. And in the past 100 years or so, it has also brought joy and music and fart noises and laser sound effects to millions of people around the world. But as Bob Dylan once said: "The times, they are a-rapidly migrating to the Internet." Or something like that.

Regular radio, or "Terrestrial Radio," as we know it is dying. Dying a slow and painful death, and has a "Do Not Resuscitate" order. As radio slowly fades into oblivion, we thought it'd be fun to kick it while it's down and let you in on some of radio's dirty little secrets. There are many more on the podcast, but here are a few of the biggies...

Voicetracking
Its been going on for over a decade now, and yet many listeners are still oblivious to the fact that your favorite DJ may very well not be in the studio when you hear him. And quite possibly may have never even stepped foot in your town.

It's the magic of technology they call "voicetracking" in the business. It allows any DJ from anywhere in the country to pre-record their bits of banter in between the songs, and make it sound like they're live in the studio. But how do they put callers on the air, or know the names of the local streets and what's happening in the community? Easy. A combination of pre-recorded callers (sometimes from local DJs that didn't get on the air), Mapquest.com and your local newspaper's website. Voicetracking is another way the corporate tightwads save money and manage to run a station with only two or three actual on-air DJs in the studio.

DJ & Radio Station Names
It's hard to decide which is worse: The names for actual radio stations themselves or the dunderheads who inhabit the airwaves. Why would anyone listen to a radio station called The End or Froggy or Jack? What kind of music might I expect Froggy to play? An endless loop of Kermit's "Rainbow Connection."

Does Jack play strictly 70's porno soundtracks? And how about the numbnuts who can't just deal with their God-given names? I guess 'Jack da Wack' sounds a lot more exciting than John D'Angelo, and 'The Jackelope' makes a better morning zoo sidekick. Then you've got the guys who are paid to be creative who can't come up with anything more than a stolen nom-de-pop-culture like Jack Daniels or George McFly. Or how about the chick that does traffic naming herself U-Turn Laverne or Helen Wheels. Most of the time, these uber-uncool nicknames are devised by out-of-touch Program Directors who always have the station's image in mind. You're not fooling anyone. Or actually, I guess you are.


The Hierarchy of Hate
While DJs all seem to be best buds on the air when they do their crossover breaks as they change shifts, all DJs secretly hate each other.

The pecking order goes like this: the morning show DJ is the top dog, making the most money and is the star of the station. Morning drive is the most important time slot as far as ratings and ad revenue goes. Playing second fiddle is the afternoon drive-time jock. This guy covers the second most important shift, the rush hour drive home. This guy hates the morning guy, because he thinks he is better and deserves to make as much if not more money. Following the afternoon guy is the night guy, usually some young, crappy-sounding 'stud' who is all about the ladies (read: 14-year-olds who call in), and hitting the nightclubs. He normally has the biggest ego because he's the one (stuck) doing all the club and bar appearances when the places don't want to pony up for the more expensive afternoon and morning guys. And his "phones are always blowing up."

After these three are the insignificant "super pleasant midday girl," the late night rookie, and the always overlooked veteran overnight guy. All of whom are jealous of, and have nothing but hatred for, the people ahead of them.

These are just a few of the reasons why radio is doomed. But don’t worry, there are always more. From preset playlists to fake prank phone calls to pointless promotional appearances and giveaways, things that won’t make you buy a car, national contesting and so much more, take a listen to the show and learn how radio really works. And why it's on life support.

Can You Hear Me Now, Motherfucker?

One of these days I'll inevitably snap. I know this. The question that remains is what will do it? What will break me? There are many things that get under my skin. MANY things. However, there is nothing more toe curlingly, teeth grindingly horrible or more immediate than the dread of dealing with the customer service department with my phone/internet company. I won't name names, but let's just say their name rhymes with Furizon.

Go Fuck Yourself

I am not going to go into the boring cluster fuck that I have been fighting with them about for the past month and a half, instead I'll simply share with you, what I shared with them in their "feedback" section. Enjoy.

"You know what’s amazing? It’s amazing that Furizon can shoot a satellite into space. It can connect millions of people at the blink of an eye. It can build towers and create a massive infrastructure unparalleled to any other phone company. Yet when it comes to actual communication between the company and the customer in the form of simple customer service, Furizon is a steaming pile of donkey shit. I am not going to go specifics about the ongoing ordeals that I have gone through just in the past month with your customer service department because let’s face it- you don’t really care. I’m simply writing today to let it be known and have this nice little complaint thrown on top of the rest of the pile. As we speak, I am on hold… and have been for the past 40 minutes with your customer service department for an answer to a question that should take 30 seconds. You are a growing ulcer in the very pit of my stomach. I wish nothing but bad things on all of you and I hope one day when you’re in need of emergency help and you dial 911, a “friendly” service representative stationed in Bombay thanks you for being a valued victim, and promptly puts you on hold"

- Mike

Art, but not the one from our show

Go check out our friend Matt Pleva's Art. He's the world's only killer artist and bouncer. I dig it. Click it to see the details then go to his site for more.

MADLY IN ANGER WITH CYCLING

I recently bought myself a Paddy's Pub t-shirt for myself to wear for my kick ass Halloween costume of Mac from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. As I was browsing the other wares offered by this vendor on Amazon, I came across this little gem dandy...

Upon first look, you think, "So, it's an ugly Metallica shirt." Upon second look, you think, "Did Metallica buy the Cincinatti Bengals?" Upon third look, you may realize it's a METALLICA CYCLING JERSEY. Out of all the things that exist in this world, including Snuggies. electric scissors and newspapers, I can't think of one reason why this particular item was ever manufactured. Are there really a lot of metalhead cycling enthusiasts out there? Has James Hetfield traded cans of Coors Light for miles logged on a ten speed? If you did happen to enjoy Metallica and biking, wouldn't you go for the Ride The Lightning or And Justice For All jerseys (yes, they do exist) over the St. Anger one? Maybe the world's crappiest sport and crappiest Metallica album were destined to come together in a perfect storm of spandex.

For one reason or another, there are a lot of so-called cyclists riding around in the town where I work. Maybe it's the hills that attract them, maybe it's the lack of people likely to beat them silly. Either way, I've never seen any with the party end of a mullet flapping in the breeze beneath those stylish helmets. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever even seen one wearing headphones. Could be for safety, could be that the pure joy of having a multitude of gears to choose from and two handlebar holding options keeps them happy as little girls, which is often apparent when they wear these types of shirts. And why would one wear a cycling jersey when not in some kind of competition situation? Do you really need to shave a millisecond off the time you leave your lonely, empty house to the time you return? Wouldn't wearing baggy and loose fitting clothing increase wind resistance, thus giving you a better workout and making you a better bike rider? It would at least make less people nauseous at the sight of your finely outlined package and slightly diminished love handles.

To make this simple, cycling is not metal. St. Anger is not a good album. Even Metallica know this, as they didn't even play one song off it at their last show I went to. The exact number of people who like both cycling and Metallica's St. Anger album is negative infinity. The fact that this item is Sold Out on Amazon will keep me awake at night. Unless they only made one. In which case, I send this message to the buyer, "Nobody believes you like Metallica, Lance Armstrong." Welcome to the velodrome.

UPDATE: This just in, now on sale at Amazon- Winger Curling Brooms, Slayer croquet mallets and Guns n Roses polo horses (with Slash tophats). Limited quantities remain. (1 each)

Jay Attempts To Get Back Into Music

Mike Doughty- Sad Man Happy Man (ATO Records)

If you haven’t met yet, let me introduce you to Mike Doughty. He’s a musician, a writer, a poet, a photographer and an artist. You may remember him from his band Soul Coughing, who had a couple of alternative hits in the late 90’s, early 00’s with “Super BonBon” and “Circles.” He now goes it solo, and has released several albums of very cool music. Since I’ve been out of the music writing game for a while, I’m finding it hard to come up with those cool-music-reviewer-adjectives to describe his music, so I’ll simply keep telling you what Mike Doughty does on his new album Sad Man Happy Man. He sings the lyrics he wrote, he plays acoustic guitar, he programs drums and samples and he has a friend occasionally add some cello. He makes music that is chill, funky and fresh, all at the same time. With songs like “(I Keep On) Rising Up,” “Lord Lord Help Me Just to Rock Rock On” and “(You Should Be) Doubly (Gratified),” the theme seems to be (aside from parentheses), overcoming obstacles like breakups, drug addiction and the economy. Or at least that’s what I can cull from Doughty’s mesmerizing half-spoken, half-sung, half-rapped flow. Yes, that’s three halves, but his unique style warrants it in my book. Sad Man Happy Man is sagacious, dulcet and euphonious (words courtesy of FancyAdjectives.com). Have a listen. - Jay, Masters Of None

4 / 5 Stars

Sound Waves of Fire

I met this cool cat Murphy last weekend and he showed me this thing he and his buddy made called a Reuben's Tube. I won't get into details, but you know the EQ you might have on your old school stereo? Well it's kinda like that, ONLY MADE OUT OF FIRE!