Dirty Secrets: Why Radio is Dying a Slow and Painful Death Edition

Dirty Secrets: Why Radio is Dying a Slow and Painful Death Edition
06/13/2010

Editor's Note - This article can be viewed also at TheBachelorGuy.com

To listen to their latest rant: Stream & Download Part 3 of a series, featuring Chris Hardwick of Nerdist.com and Jennifer Love Hewitt


Ahhh Radio. It’s theater of the mind, as they say. Radio has had a long and illustrious career. It has entertained our troops overseas. It has relayed important information in seconds rather than days. And in the past 100 years or so, it has also brought joy and music and fart noises and laser sound effects to millions of people around the world. But as Bob Dylan once said: "The times, they are a-rapidly migrating to the Internet." Or something like that.

Regular radio, or "Terrestrial Radio," as we know it is dying. Dying a slow and painful death, and has a "Do Not Resuscitate" order. As radio slowly fades into oblivion, we thought it'd be fun to kick it while it's down and let you in on some of radio's dirty little secrets. There are many more on the podcast, but here are a few of the biggies...

Voicetracking
Its been going on for over a decade now, and yet many listeners are still oblivious to the fact that your favorite DJ may very well not be in the studio when you hear him. And quite possibly may have never even stepped foot in your town.

It's the magic of technology they call "voicetracking" in the business. It allows any DJ from anywhere in the country to pre-record their bits of banter in between the songs, and make it sound like they're live in the studio. But how do they put callers on the air, or know the names of the local streets and what's happening in the community? Easy. A combination of pre-recorded callers (sometimes from local DJs that didn't get on the air), Mapquest.com and your local newspaper's website. Voicetracking is another way the corporate tightwads save money and manage to run a station with only two or three actual on-air DJs in the studio.

DJ & Radio Station Names
It's hard to decide which is worse: The names for actual radio stations themselves or the dunderheads who inhabit the airwaves. Why would anyone listen to a radio station called The End or Froggy or Jack? What kind of music might I expect Froggy to play? An endless loop of Kermit's "Rainbow Connection."

Does Jack play strictly 70's porno soundtracks? And how about the numbnuts who can't just deal with their God-given names? I guess 'Jack da Wack' sounds a lot more exciting than John D'Angelo, and 'The Jackelope' makes a better morning zoo sidekick. Then you've got the guys who are paid to be creative who can't come up with anything more than a stolen nom-de-pop-culture like Jack Daniels or George McFly. Or how about the chick that does traffic naming herself U-Turn Laverne or Helen Wheels. Most of the time, these uber-uncool nicknames are devised by out-of-touch Program Directors who always have the station's image in mind. You're not fooling anyone. Or actually, I guess you are.


The Hierarchy of Hate
While DJs all seem to be best buds on the air when they do their crossover breaks as they change shifts, all DJs secretly hate each other.

The pecking order goes like this: the morning show DJ is the top dog, making the most money and is the star of the station. Morning drive is the most important time slot as far as ratings and ad revenue goes. Playing second fiddle is the afternoon drive-time jock. This guy covers the second most important shift, the rush hour drive home. This guy hates the morning guy, because he thinks he is better and deserves to make as much if not more money. Following the afternoon guy is the night guy, usually some young, crappy-sounding 'stud' who is all about the ladies (read: 14-year-olds who call in), and hitting the nightclubs. He normally has the biggest ego because he's the one (stuck) doing all the club and bar appearances when the places don't want to pony up for the more expensive afternoon and morning guys. And his "phones are always blowing up."

After these three are the insignificant "super pleasant midday girl," the late night rookie, and the always overlooked veteran overnight guy. All of whom are jealous of, and have nothing but hatred for, the people ahead of them.

These are just a few of the reasons why radio is doomed. But don’t worry, there are always more. From preset playlists to fake prank phone calls to pointless promotional appearances and giveaways, things that won’t make you buy a car, national contesting and so much more, take a listen to the show and learn how radio really works. And why it's on life support.